OLWG #26 – By Reason of Insanity – The New, Unofficial, On-line Writer's Guild

This week’s prompts are at the bottom. The story below is just practice. Practice makes perfect.

Here’s how to play along, if you are unsure.

It didn’t look good for ‘Mad Dog’ Mulvaney, and during the morning recess; his counsel told him so.

“Listen Mr. Mulvaney,, as your lawyer, I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that they are about to convict you. When they do you’ll be lucky to get ‘life without possibility of parole’. I think we really need to change your plea from ‘Not Guilty’ to ‘Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity’. It’s the only chance you’ve got.”

“First of all, I’ve told youse not to call me Mr. Mulvaney. That was my dad’s name. Second of all, do ya really think that?”

“I do, I really do.”

“Well, I think that if they convict me I’ll have a great shot at getting’ it overturned on appeal. Ya know why? It’s on account of my incompetent counsel. Youse really suck at being a lawyer, ya know that?”

“I’m trying to fix that right now. Listen to me. If you get convicted and appeal… even if you win the appeal, it’ll take years to work through the courts. You’ll be locked up for eight to ten years at least. Probably longer, but if you get the insanity verdict you’ll spend two or three years in a posh psychiatric hospital. Then you convince some shrink that you’ve regained your senses and they let you out. That’s a lot easier, Mr. Mad Dog.”

“Tell me then, how do I convince them that I’m a whacko?”

“That’s the easy part. There’ll be an interview with some doctors. They’ll ask you questions and you’ll ask them questions. Give them crazy answers! Ask them crazy questions.”

“Ya sure it’ll be that easy?”

“I’m pretty sure that with what they know about the crime, and what they’ve seen of you in the courtroom so far that yes, it’ll be that easy.”

Back in the courtroom, Mad Dog Mulvaney’s attorney told the court that a psychiatric evaluation would be prudent and that his client was prepared to change his plea, pending the outcome of that evaluation. The judge, hoping to forego a long and costly trial agreed and ordered the evaluation to take place the following Monday.

On the appointed day Mulvaney found himself sitting in front of a board of doctors who were peppering him with questions about the crime, about his childhood, about his sexual proclivities and he was doing a great job of convincing them to doubt his sanity. Finally, after three days of answering their questions he decided it was his turn.

“Hey, my lawyer told me that I’d get to ask youse guys a few questions too. When do I get to do that?”

The doctors huddled and conferred amongst themselves. Finally they broke apart and the bravest of them all announced, “If you have questions, Mr. Mulvaney, please ask them now.” Then he sat back in his chair and smiled.

“OK, ok, thanks a lot. I really only got a few questions to ask. You sure that now’s a good time?”

The doctor who had invited the inquiries raised his hand, palm up, “Please, sir. Ask away.”

Mad Dog shrugged his shoulders and asked, “Why do people constantly keep goin’ back to the refrigerator? Do they really think that something new to eat will have materialized when they weren’t looking?” He opened his eyes wide and stared at them, expectantly. They stared back at him, flabbergasted.

“That’s too tough a question, huh? Ok let’s try this then. Why did my mom always keep running over a thread with her vacuum cleaner? She’d do it a dozen times or more, then reach down, pick it up, and examine it, then she’d put it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. I never have been able to figger that out.” The doctors still didn’t answer, they merely continued to stare, dumbfounded.

After a couple minutes of uncomfortable silence he pointed up at the lights that hung suspended from the ceiling, “Who puts them dead bugs into inta those closed-up light fixtures up there? Look at ‘em, huh? Who puts ‘em in there?”

This week’s prompts are: